This week has been rough. Today was awful. 

On Monday, mom texted to say she was going to be gone for a couple hours to get her covid vaccine, and asked that I check in on Dad while she was gone. Perry and I went over and hung out for an hour or so before picking up Benson from school. Dad slept most of the time we were there, but when I gave him a hug hello, he cracked a little smile and asked, “so how many minutes left?” 🤰🏻

Tuesday morning, I dropped Perry off at Jennifer’s so I could go to my NST appointment, and as I backed out of her driveway, mom called. Dad was stuck on the toilet and she needed help getting him up. When I got there, he was hunched over. Unable to keep his head up, his arms and legs were weak, skin cold, face pale, and he was breathing quick and shallow. I asked how he was feeling, and he brought his hand to his forehead and said, “my brain... my brain is mush.” He could hardly get the words out. I realized that if mom and I were able to get him up, there was a good chance he would fall again. I told Dad I wanted to calm for help, and he shook his head no. After a few minutes I decided it was best we called 911. As soon as the paramedics got him up, they said they were bringing him to the hospital. The toilet was full of blood. 

They sat him down on his walker and pushed him into the entryway to take his vitals. Dad was slumped over the side, awake, but too weak to hold his body up. While the medics worked to get his vitals and get an ambulance there, one asked for his DNR, and that’s when mom started to cry. I mostly kept it together, but when I was out of the room looking for things like his wallet or phone, I had a hard time keeping it together.

They got him into the ambulance and mom climbed in to say goodbye. The medics kept asking him questions, like do you know what day it is, do you know what year it is, and he would just shrug his shoulders. I stayed out and just kept squeezing his toes. I told him I loved him and he was in good hands. He quietly said he loved me too, and as they closed the door, he just looked out expressionless. We didn’t really get any updates from the hospital the rest of the day. I went to my NST appointment and just quietly cried while updating family on what was going on while they were monitoring baby. 

Wednesday morning, dad was moved to a covid clean unit. He hadn’t eaten, no more bloody stools, but really no stools at all. They suspected an infection in his lungs, so he was put on 3 antibiotics. 3L of oxygen to help lighten the workload on his body. We just kept hearing that he’s very tired and weak. When I spoke to the nurse, they had just brought him back from an ultrasound to check for blood clots. No one had reviewed the results yet, so they couldn’t tell me anything. Wednesday night, dad’s respiratory rate and heart rate had increased. His nurse said that her intuition says the breathing is from the cancer in his lungs, and the heart rate is because of the breathing. She had increased his oxygen, but was waiting to hear from a doctor to see if they needed to do anything more. 

Thursday (today) it took forever to get a hold of anyone to tell us anything. Mom asked to just be connected to his room so we could try to talk to him. His CNA answered, and handed the phone to dad, but he was too weak to hold it himself. She held the phone to his ear so mom could talk to him. He wasn’t able to respond. I got on and told him that we missed him and loved him, a d that Kate and I were with mom as much as possible so she was taken care of. I heard the faintest crackle in his voice, but it was his voice. I could hear him. He didn’t say anything. Kate asked him to stay strong for us. She heard him say hello, and I love you, but it was quiet and drawn out. The nurse said it’s just his breathing that’s making it difficult to talk. 

This afternoon mom finally got in touch with his nurse. She said they are waiting for the hematologist to get back to them about a consult with dad. They had some results back, but because of the nature of the results, the dr needed to go over those with us. We haven’t heard anything since. We got all the siblings on a Facebook messenger video call and his nurse got his phone set up, but he slept the whole time. She explained the oxygen mask he was wearing, and when she touched the mask to show the vents on the side, his eyes slightly opened, but then he was right back asleep. He looked awful. 

I just can’t believe this is the point that we are at, and so suddenly. A month ago, dad was just fine. We were there on Sunday and while he couldn’t participate much, he was awake. I could talk to him. He smiled. He hugged me and the kids. Oh, his hugs. Every time dad would hug me, he’d wrap one hand around my head and give me an extra squeeze. I miss that so much. Even though he slept most of Monday when we were there, we still spoke and he still smiled and we still hugged. By Tuesday morning, he was too weak for any of that. 

When we were on the video call, I told everyone how frustrated I was that this felt so urgent, but the dr seemed to be dragging his feet. Ryno made the point that right now, they are doing everything they can for dad, and until his body responds positively, there is t anything urgent they can do. So knowing whatever the dr has to tell us doesn’t change anything. I get that. But I hate it. 

I’m trying to not let my mind get ahead of myself, but it’s so hard. Seeing dad like that, alone in a shared hospital room, it’s just the worst. I’ve never hated covid more for keeping us away from him. My biggest hope now is that he can stay stable enough to bring him home, where we can take care of him. He loves home. I know that’s where he wants to be. 

I’m terrified that I will go into labor or need to be induced before dad is out of the hospital. I just can’t imagine this delivery and dad overlapping. Every time I feel a contraction, my heart sinks. When I feel the baby move around, I just get a pit in my stomach. I just don’t know how I can feel any joy when I’m in so much pain. How can I make these two polar opposite things work together? How do I cope with Dad, and still have anything left for our son. I don’t know. I know I’ll get through this and things will be just fine, but right now, I feel like I’m crumbling. And right now, it’s 4 am and I’ve been awake since 2:30 and it feels so wrong to be in a peaceful home with my healthy family, and just not know how dad is. I just want him home. I want him back and I want him home. 

 What an eventful year it was. Our family floated through fairly unscathed - in July I got really sick. Like chills, body aches, loss of taste and smell sick. No congestion, no difficulty breathing, I did have this weird symptom, though, where every time I would breath in, it would burn like it does when you get water up your nose and the pain goes straight back into your head. But my temperature never got higher than a 99. On day 6, I went and got a covid test, and it was negative. I texted my friend Cari, who is a nurse, and her thoughts were that I tested later in my illness and my viral load was too low for the test to detect, or it was just one of the many false negatives. Either way, it sucked. 

Perry got pneumonia 4 times in 2020, none of them covid related. The girl is just super susceptible to respiratory illnesses. We eventually got her checked out for asthma and sure enough, she’s got it. She now takes singulair every day to help keep it at bay. 

To top off the dumb year that was 2020, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in early December. He went to urgent care one day for chest pain and difficulty breathing. They did a chest X-ray, found some nodules. and said it could be anything from a simple infection to cancer. Lucky us, it was the latter. The initial diagnosis was metastatic lung cancer, that had spread to his brain and ribs. If you google that, the prognosis is not good. They got 10 days of radiation to his head scheduled about a month after his diagnosis, with a biopsy half way through the treatment. Radiation started taking its toll, and then his lung collapsed after his biopsy. That pushed the last few radiation treatments back 3 days because he was hospitalized until his lung healed. He came home from the hospital weak and unable to walk without a walker. Mom has become a full time care taker. 

Radiation is done now. His hair started falling out maybe 4-5 days into treatment, so i helped him shave his head one morning. That was hard. Dad is still having difficulty getting around. He’s got extreme fatigue, which makes it hard for him to do anything. The biopsy results came back showing that what he’s got is actually melanoma, not lung cancer. The bad news is that it’s advanced stage 4 melanoma. The good news is they don’t treat melanoma with chemo, but instead use immunotherapy. I don’t know much about it, but i know it’s supposed to be less intense. his first treatment is tomorrow. 

I spent some time with my parents today at their house. Dad looked rough, even compared to when I took him to radiation last week. He’s lost a lot of weight in the last month, has obviously lost strength, and his mind is starting to lose steam. Mom said that at his dr appt today, he asked who scheduled his brain surgery. There was never talk of brain surgery in his treatment plan. It’s heartbreaking to see him dwindle. The joy he used to carry isn’t there right now, he’s just tired and foggy. I’m hoping and praying with everything I have that it comes back. I just want my dad back. 

With radiation, they say that it kills all the cells that it hits, but the healthy cells eventually regenerate. I need those healthy cells to start fighting their way back. From the day we got the diagnosis, I’ve said that I don’t want to watch my dad whither away, but that’s exactly what is happening. It took 2 weeks for him to lose his ability to walk, lose his hair, for his mind to start failing. If you ask him how he’s feeling, he’ll say, “for an old guy with all this crap going on, I’m doing pretty good.”  But I know he’s grieving. His eyes were watery when I finished shaving his head, but he’d shrug his shoulders and say, “it was a necessity.”

You know, I’ve heard so many people use the phrase, “cancer sucks.”  But you just don’t get it until you experience it first hand. My dad was happy and seemingly healthy a month ago. The moment treatment started, everything got worse. It’s not fair. Cancer sucks,  but cancer treatment sucks the most. That is what’s hurting him the most right now. 

My mind takes me to the worst places. I’m trying hard to just really be present in my time with Dad right now. I thought I at least had 10 years left with him, and now I just don’t know how long I actually have. It’s just crap. And it’s not okay. None of this is fair. 

Summer 2017 (1) from Kaelin Shaker on Vimeo.


Summer 2017 (2) from Kaelin Shaker on Vimeo.

mat's job sent him to new jersey for a training, so we took advantage and left the kids behind for a week while we explored new york. welp, 7 days proved to be too long haha and we were ready to head home by day 5. so as amazing as new york was, the last couple days we spent being lazy and we even went to the movies just to take advantage of not having to find a babysitter. but the trip was a much needed break from real life.


new york from Kaelin Shaker on Vimeo.



Christmas Morning 2017 from Kaelin Shaker on Vimeo.

technically, benson is 2 years and 9.5 months, but who's paying that close attention anyways.

this kid keeps me on my toes more often than not, but let me tell you, he is the sweetest soul on earth. we've been potty training (aka hell) and i've taken a pretty relaxed approach, mostly because mat has been gone and i can't get myself to stay home for a full 24 hours, let alone 3-5 days to really solidify it. the other day we had done pretty solid with no accidents, but i could tell he was getting bored with the whole process - didn't want to go potty and he was holding it foreeeeever until i'd finally force him. but he'd be in the bathroom for 3 seconds before he'd walk away and say "all done!" so we tried to go potty before i put him to bed and it was the same story. while i was grabbing his jammies from the laundry room, he peed on the carpet next to his bed. i got frustrated with him and made him sit on the toilet while i cleaned it up. then i went into the bathroom and sat on the tub next to him on the toilet. he looked at me and put his hand on my cheek and said:
B: oh, why mom sad?
M: why am i sad?
B: yeah. why mom cry? (i wasn't crying, just huffing and puffing haha)
M: i'm just frustrated buddy. i'm sorry i got mad but i really need you to just go toot (what he calls pee) on the potty.
B: oh, mom frustrated. *starts stroking my cheek* mom feel better?
seriously? what is this magic? talk about a guilt trip, i immediately regretting every moment i ever lost my patience with him.

on the bright side, i think we've got potty training figured out! at least #1. #2... well thats another story.

little things happen every day with him, and i wish i had cameras in every corner of my house to capture them and keep them forever. he's getting so smart and just understands things. it's been awhile since we've watched the movie cars, although about a year ago that's all he would watch. the other day in the car he asked to listen to the soundtrack. it went through all of the mainstream songs - route 66, life is a highway, etc. and got to the score music, so like the instrumental music that plays in the background of scenes like the races and when mcqueen falls out the back of mack. benson starts narrating the movie based on the music. umm... what? seriously, i hear little bits and pieces of the opening race and glance at my phone to see the name of the song is, "opening race". from the backseat benson's going, "mom! yook! mcqueen go faster!" "oh no, mom! mcqueen watch out!" "aww yook mom! mcqueen flying!" all in perfect timing with the song. insane. when did his little brain start absorbing so much.

he's been speaking in his own little version of english and i forget that people can't really understand him. my favorite word he says right now is pepperoni. somehow it comes out a-cap-a-mo-ees. and he loves pepperonis! if he finds the bag of them in our fridge he will munch on an inch thick stack haha.

as much as i love watching him grow, it also makes me so sad how quickly its happening. kacey and i have been talking about that lately, how big our kids are getting. he's got the sweetest personality and is still so innocent. i wish i could bottle up all the goodness that he is and keep it forever. but i can't, so i will just keep writing in this blog so that i can look back and remember these moments.