This week has been rough. Today was awful. 

On Monday, mom texted to say she was going to be gone for a couple hours to get her covid vaccine, and asked that I check in on Dad while she was gone. Perry and I went over and hung out for an hour or so before picking up Benson from school. Dad slept most of the time we were there, but when I gave him a hug hello, he cracked a little smile and asked, “so how many minutes left?” 🤰🏻

Tuesday morning, I dropped Perry off at Jennifer’s so I could go to my NST appointment, and as I backed out of her driveway, mom called. Dad was stuck on the toilet and she needed help getting him up. When I got there, he was hunched over. Unable to keep his head up, his arms and legs were weak, skin cold, face pale, and he was breathing quick and shallow. I asked how he was feeling, and he brought his hand to his forehead and said, “my brain... my brain is mush.” He could hardly get the words out. I realized that if mom and I were able to get him up, there was a good chance he would fall again. I told Dad I wanted to calm for help, and he shook his head no. After a few minutes I decided it was best we called 911. As soon as the paramedics got him up, they said they were bringing him to the hospital. The toilet was full of blood. 

They sat him down on his walker and pushed him into the entryway to take his vitals. Dad was slumped over the side, awake, but too weak to hold his body up. While the medics worked to get his vitals and get an ambulance there, one asked for his DNR, and that’s when mom started to cry. I mostly kept it together, but when I was out of the room looking for things like his wallet or phone, I had a hard time keeping it together.

They got him into the ambulance and mom climbed in to say goodbye. The medics kept asking him questions, like do you know what day it is, do you know what year it is, and he would just shrug his shoulders. I stayed out and just kept squeezing his toes. I told him I loved him and he was in good hands. He quietly said he loved me too, and as they closed the door, he just looked out expressionless. We didn’t really get any updates from the hospital the rest of the day. I went to my NST appointment and just quietly cried while updating family on what was going on while they were monitoring baby. 

Wednesday morning, dad was moved to a covid clean unit. He hadn’t eaten, no more bloody stools, but really no stools at all. They suspected an infection in his lungs, so he was put on 3 antibiotics. 3L of oxygen to help lighten the workload on his body. We just kept hearing that he’s very tired and weak. When I spoke to the nurse, they had just brought him back from an ultrasound to check for blood clots. No one had reviewed the results yet, so they couldn’t tell me anything. Wednesday night, dad’s respiratory rate and heart rate had increased. His nurse said that her intuition says the breathing is from the cancer in his lungs, and the heart rate is because of the breathing. She had increased his oxygen, but was waiting to hear from a doctor to see if they needed to do anything more. 

Thursday (today) it took forever to get a hold of anyone to tell us anything. Mom asked to just be connected to his room so we could try to talk to him. His CNA answered, and handed the phone to dad, but he was too weak to hold it himself. She held the phone to his ear so mom could talk to him. He wasn’t able to respond. I got on and told him that we missed him and loved him, a d that Kate and I were with mom as much as possible so she was taken care of. I heard the faintest crackle in his voice, but it was his voice. I could hear him. He didn’t say anything. Kate asked him to stay strong for us. She heard him say hello, and I love you, but it was quiet and drawn out. The nurse said it’s just his breathing that’s making it difficult to talk. 

This afternoon mom finally got in touch with his nurse. She said they are waiting for the hematologist to get back to them about a consult with dad. They had some results back, but because of the nature of the results, the dr needed to go over those with us. We haven’t heard anything since. We got all the siblings on a Facebook messenger video call and his nurse got his phone set up, but he slept the whole time. She explained the oxygen mask he was wearing, and when she touched the mask to show the vents on the side, his eyes slightly opened, but then he was right back asleep. He looked awful. 

I just can’t believe this is the point that we are at, and so suddenly. A month ago, dad was just fine. We were there on Sunday and while he couldn’t participate much, he was awake. I could talk to him. He smiled. He hugged me and the kids. Oh, his hugs. Every time dad would hug me, he’d wrap one hand around my head and give me an extra squeeze. I miss that so much. Even though he slept most of Monday when we were there, we still spoke and he still smiled and we still hugged. By Tuesday morning, he was too weak for any of that. 

When we were on the video call, I told everyone how frustrated I was that this felt so urgent, but the dr seemed to be dragging his feet. Ryno made the point that right now, they are doing everything they can for dad, and until his body responds positively, there is t anything urgent they can do. So knowing whatever the dr has to tell us doesn’t change anything. I get that. But I hate it. 

I’m trying to not let my mind get ahead of myself, but it’s so hard. Seeing dad like that, alone in a shared hospital room, it’s just the worst. I’ve never hated covid more for keeping us away from him. My biggest hope now is that he can stay stable enough to bring him home, where we can take care of him. He loves home. I know that’s where he wants to be. 

I’m terrified that I will go into labor or need to be induced before dad is out of the hospital. I just can’t imagine this delivery and dad overlapping. Every time I feel a contraction, my heart sinks. When I feel the baby move around, I just get a pit in my stomach. I just don’t know how I can feel any joy when I’m in so much pain. How can I make these two polar opposite things work together? How do I cope with Dad, and still have anything left for our son. I don’t know. I know I’ll get through this and things will be just fine, but right now, I feel like I’m crumbling. And right now, it’s 4 am and I’ve been awake since 2:30 and it feels so wrong to be in a peaceful home with my healthy family, and just not know how dad is. I just want him home. I want him back and I want him home.