benson is a champion sleeper.  he started sleeping through the night early on, like 3 or 4 weeks old i wanna say.  he's been going down around 6:30/7ish lately and usually will sleep til between 4:30/5ish to eat, then snooze another few hours.  this is fantastic for me, because even when he's asleep when i get home, i'm usually up til about midnight, if not studying that just unwinding before going to bed. i'm still averaging about 4-5 hours a night, which is not enough for me, but i'm surviving.

school has been insanely stressful.  midterms were a couple weeks ago, and i'm preparing to take my first board exam this friday, on halloween of all days! luckily mat has halloween off, so he will take benson so i can fit in last minute cramming before putting it all on the line.

clinic is still my favorite part of school, but now that we are seeing higher level patients, it is just as exhausting as everything else.  i began treatment on my first level 3 (board level) patient last week, and holy canoli, that calculus was like cement! i had never been so tired after cleaning 1/4 of someone's teeth haha. it was extremely satisfying, but i'm surprised how much energy it took out of me.

setting everything else aside, my favorite time of day is still mornings that i get with bens. sometimes i look at some of my classmates and get so jealous that they have nothing to distract them from studying, but i honestly can't imagine not having him here with me.  even after a hard day, my favorite thing is coming home and carrying him from the car seat, floor, or rocker (wherever he fell asleep) into his room when he just melts in my arms. it blows my mind how big he has gotten in such a short amount of time. from a squishy, cheek-heavy, limp little (big) babe, to a strong, tall, outspoken little (big) guy.  he's already over snuggling (booooo) and is constantly wanting to be upright so he can see the world.  he's always got a lot to say, and is very open with how he's feeling haha.  i get guilty that i'm missing so much time with him right now and feel like i'm always apologizing to him, but i'm happy that he gets this time with his lola and opa, and especially the one-on-one time with mat. it's hard to believe that when i'm finally done with school in may, he will be 2 months shy of a year old.  this school year needs to stop flying by so fast!

despite how exhausted mat and i are, we are so in love with our little man. i am and will be forever grateful for these hard times (most of the time!). benson makes it aaaaall worth it. i mean, come on. how could my life not still be fantastic when i get to squish this smiley boy every day?

i am almost 3 weeks post partum (I started writing this on 8/4/14) and am finally feeling about 90% myself. and that is a big deal! i'm still going to recount different stages of my pregnancy for me to look back on, but want to post about our little big guy first :) so without further ado…

Benson Steven Shaker

born July 16, 2014 at 1:01 PM. weighing in at 11 pounds, 7 ounces.

alright i'm about to get graphic. you've been warned!
labor and delivery was intense. i was 4 days overdue, and scheduled to be induced on july 15 at 3 am. the hospital didn't have a room for me until about 3:30 that afternoon. i was hooked up to antibiotics (i'm group b positive) around 4:30, then put on pitocin at 5. doc came in and broke my water shortly after my first dose of pitocin was done. and then… we waited. i was having contractions, but nothing really intense. because benson had dropped so low already, i was having a hard time getting around as it was. i remember getting up to go to the bathroom several times, and between my terrible (and painful) waddle, and leaking amniotic fluid, it was not a pretty site. but my contractions really didn't start getting painful until about 10 pm, and i was still measuring 4 cm, the same that i was when we were admitted.

around that time i decided to get an epidural. my original plan was to labor as long as i could without an epidural and see if i could make it all the way without, but i knew that labor and delivery could be unpredictable, and i didn't have my heart set either way.  i knew that with as late as it was, and how long it had taken for the contractions to kick it up a notch, and the fact that i hadn't progressed at all at that point, it was going to be a long night, and i wanted to be able to rest. so i got the epidural, and the nurse set me up on one side with the peanut ball between my legs to help things along. after about an hour, the epidural had settled into my right side, and i was starting to be able to feel everything on my left side. after about half an hour, i couldn't take it anymore and called my nurse in.  i pushed the little epidural button to give myself more medication, and she flipped me to my other side.  within the hour, the epidural had settled again. for the rest of the night, i was getting flipped and topping off the epidural about every 40 minutes.  i was able to sleep some, but between getting flipped, getting more medication, and getting checked, it wasn't much.

just before 6 am, dr huish came in. i was officially fully dilated, and ready to start pushing. so i pushed… and pushed… and pushed. after an hour, the nurses switched, and my new nurse gave us a break. we napped for 45 minutes or so, then we were back at it. benson was positioned sideways, so he was facing my hip instead of my back, and he was stuck.  every time i pushed, it would move him, but not enough to get him any closer to be born.  dr huish checked in every couple hours, but didn't actually come into the room until about 12:45. by then, my epidural had worn off a few times, and i had to get a few more big doses of medication to completely numb me.  when i heard dr huish was coming, my epidural was beginning to wear off again.  i knew that at this point, it was time to decide if i could deliver benson, or if i needed a c-section to get him out.  so i decided i could wait to get my epidural topped off, because if i was going to get a c-section, i'd be getting a spinal tap anyways, and if i was delivering him, i could ask to get topped off before we started. at this point, i had been pushing, and i mean pushing, for 6 hours. every time i pushed, i kept telling myself that the harder i pushed, the faster he would be here and i would be done.  so the longer i pushed for, the harder and more i pushed, hoping that it would help benson maneuver his way down.

dr huish decided that there was a good chance we could deliver benson with the help of a vacuum, but if that didn't work after 10-15 mins, we would do a c-section.  i asked to get my epidural topped off before we started and he said that was fine, and he left to change.  this is where things got real. my epidural was probably about 80% worn off at this point.  dr huish came back in his scrubs, along with 3 other nurses, and started setting everything up.  i asked about the anesthesiologist, and was told that they were doing a c-section.  then, dr huish cheerfully said, "alright, we're gonna go ahead and get started! and when the anesthesiologist is done, he'll come in and get you taken care of." this is when i started to panic. i didn't argue, but i knew that we were going to try this vacuum thing for 10-15 minutes… the same amount of time it takes for the epidural medication to kick in. which translates into, "i will not be numb while i'm delivering this baby." holy. crap.

it took 3 contractions to push benson out.  it felt like at least 6.  i tried to control my breathing throughout and keep myself relaxed so that we could give this my best shot (i reaaaaaallyyyy did NOT want a c-section. not that there's anything wrong with it, but it is a rougher recovery, and after pushing for 6 hours i knew my recovery would be hard enough as it was).  everything at this point is kind of a blur.  i remember being in pain, but can't remember exactly what the pain felt like.  as soon as i started pushing the first time, i shut my eyes as hard as i could and just pushed like my life depended on it. each contraction i pushed 5-6 times, and i remember the nurses trying to be encouraging, but i was blocking out everything.  in the middle of one contraction, i had already pushed probably 5 times, and dr huish told me to push one more time.  i just stopped and started shaking my head and crying, saying, "i can't! i can't!" to which everyone in the room responded, "yes you can! just do it!" and so you do it! i remember them saying when he was crowning, when his head was out, when the rest of his body came out, and i just kept my eyes shut and focused on breathing. that's all i could do to not pass out.  i didn't open my eyes until i felt all the pressure and pain leave, and everyone said that i did it and he was here. somewhere in the middle of all that, the anesthesiologist made it in to top off the epidural, which didn't kick in until probably 10 minutes after benson was born.

the first thing i saw was benson. dr huish was wiping him off. he was crying, purple, cone-headed, and completely perfect. they set him on my chest and i remember one of the nurses saying, "i can't wait to get him on the scale!" once they told me he was 11 1/2 lbs, i just layed my head back and said, "i can't believe that just happened." it was the biggest relief i had ever felt, and i was so happy it was over. i was exhausted to the point that i couldn't even hold him for very long before handing him to mat. shortly after everything had calmed down, the anesthesiologist came back in and gave me the epidural medication they give for c-section patients that lasts about 24 hours. gooooood stuff haha.

we had a whirlwind of visitors right after he was born and that night. i knew i looked like a train hit me because that's how i felt, but it was so fun to have family close by and feel all of their love and support not just for me, but for sweet benson too. i went through a lot getting him here, but he went through a lot too! i can't imagine having my head pushed into a pelvis for 6 hours, then having a vacuum/plunger thing attached to pull me the rest of the way. poor kid probably had the worst headache :(

i remember not being able to sleep that night. i'd take cat naps here and there but i really just wanted to hold benson.  i felt bad because i couldn't move at all, so i had to wake up mat every time i wanted to hold benson or put him back in his bassinet, or anything else.  the second night, my nurses suggested having benson brought into the nursery so that i could rest, so we decided to let them take him.  they gave me my 2 percocet and ibuprofen and i passed out. i woke up in the morning and realized i hadn't moved all night, my pain killers were probably worn off, and i needed to pee like the dickens. surprisingly, that good night sleep actually helped a ton and i was in considerably less pain than the night before.

we ended up leaving the hospital the next night, with a walker in hand.  that first week or so was the most frustrating for me.  mat took all of the night time feedings while i slept on the couch for the first couple nights, because it was easier for me to get up and down from that than our bed. i remember feeling completely inadequate and useless because i couldn't be a mom in the state i was in.  i cried a few times because of this, and i felt a lot of guilt that mat had to take over for everything and literally all i could do was nurse him.  mat was great at helping me through that and reassuring me that all i needed to focus on was healing myself.

mat went back to work on a wednesday, and every morning after he left for work for the rest of the week, i would grab benson, food, water, diapers, and wipes, and set up my station on my bed.  then, i would proceed to break down haha.  i was so nervous to not have someone helping me, especially because i had just started not using my walker the day before, and i was still walking so slow and in a lot of pain. but that weekend gave me a boost, and since that point things have slowly but consistently gotten easier.  it has now been two and a half months and i can't believe how far i've come.  there was really a point in time that i didn't think i'd be able to ever roll over in bed without it being a huge fiasco, or sleep on my side or stomach.  i am proud to say that i can do all three of those things pain free now!

it has been a whirlwind, but i can't imagine life without benson now. who knew you could ever love your spouse and your child so much.

The last month of my pregnancy was a roller coaster, and the first week post partum has been no different. This has definitely been one of the most trying times I've ever been through, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't be doing nearly as good as I am if it weren't for that guy right there. Up until he had to go back to work today, Mat has taken every night shift and let me sleep, he has been waiting on me hand and foot, and when I've been the most discouraged or frustrated, he has been there to reassure me. I have never felt more love for that crazy kid I call my husband, and never felt more joy than when I see him as a dad.

(note: this was actually taken 3 weeks ago.)

officially in the single-digit week countdown! so weird. this boy has been kicking and moving and pushing in such funny ways lately. he went from ninja kicks and punches, to subtle wiggles, to very clearly trying to stretch and/or escape. pretty sure my ridiculously short torso is making it hard for him to get comfortable, haha. last night i was laying in bed going through flashcards, and every time i would set a stack of flashcards down on my belly, he would wiggle, push, and kick so much that my flashcards would fall off my stomach! so fun to watch. my belly started looking like a wave pool after awhile haha. i've had all sorts of comments thrown at me, from, "you look great," to, "you sure you're not having twins?" haha i try to take it all in stride. let's be honest, i look like i'm smuggling a basketball everywhere i go. and i'm okay with that. this boy is healthy as can be, and in two and a half short months he will be turning our world upside down! as for me, i am officially puffy… everywhere. i think the term "cankles" doesn't even do these tree trunks justice. my feet look like soft marshmallow pillows, my toes more sausagey than they were before, and my fingers? let's just say i haven't even tried to put my wedding ring on for a few months now.

things have been stressful/exciting the last little bit. i am half way through finals week (i seem to always find time to post when i should be studying), and will be done with my first year of hygiene school on thursday! whaaaat? so insane. mat is on overload at work, working 4 different positions and putting in a ridiculous amount of overtime. hopefully that will be alleviated soon, but in the meantime, i have been trying to make sure he knows how much i appreciate him working so hard to support me through school, and make sure we have all our ducks in a row for little mister to join us. he is honestly going to be the best dad! the other night we were at his parents house, and he started playing with rowe and they literally ran around and chased each other for 20 minutes, up until he got too tired. rowe tried to egg him on for a few minutes, then disappeared, and we found him crashed spread eagle on mat's mom's bed haha. mat and rowe have a serious bond, and it just makes me so excited that my son will have such an amazing dad to look up to.

i feel like i have been gushing a whole lot lately, but i just can't help it! no matter how stressed mat is over work, or how overwhelmed i am over school, or how messy (read 'disastrous') our house is, i can honestly say that i am so happy. and that is a big deal! i could have never imagined being so content in this stage of life we're in, with how chaotic it is, but i have a top-notch husband, and that's really all i need to keep me grounded right now. our future is bright as far as i'm concerned.

the last little bit has been nuts. i am sporting a huuuuge belly now, and i feel it get bigger by the minute.   with the belly has come some fun new adjustments, like taking a full minute to get up off the couch, and waking up before i really want to to go to the bathroom. school has become more challenging the more uncomfortable i get. and i swear my body is like perfect clockwork - i've managed to start seeing "trimester symptoms" almost exactly when i'm entering/exiting a new trimester, to the T.  but enough about me.  this little guy is just a dream.  feeling him move and kick around in there has been so much fun.  on occasion it actually tickles, haha. such a weird feeling, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. people keep telling me how hard its going to be, and i know it'll be hard. i know waking up in the middle of the night to feed him is going to be exhausting. i know juggling work/school/baby is probably going to leave us pulling our hair out. i don't know exactly what to expect, in all honesty, because i know each babe is different. but to be able to start our family is completely worth it. we are so lucky to have this little guy join our family, and, just with everything else in life, the good will outweigh the bad, and we are going to be even happier than we are now. no pain, no gain, right?! right.

anyways, two more weeks of school left. finishing off this week, then next week is finals. i can't believe finals are already here, and we will be second years. insane! this year has flown by. so much to do this summer before little mister joins us, but i can't wait. first on the post-school checklist - spring clean! this house has been neglected long enough!

today, i am exactly 3 months away from my due date.  i can't believe it's coming so fast! school has definitely helped this pregnancy fly by, and i know that as soon as i'm done, everything i going to slowwwww down. until then, i'm enjoying feeling this little mister's wiggles and jabs throughout the day.

speaking of wiggles and jabs, mat can feel and see him moving around now! its one of my favorite past times, when i actually have time, to just sit and watch my stomach move around as he squirms.  mat and i always wonder what in the world he's doing in there, haha.  the more i think about becoming a parent, the more excited i get.  especially when i think about how amazing of a dad mat will be!  don't get me wrong, it is terrifying at the same time, because there is really no way you could fully prepare for such a huge life change, but i know nothing will compare to having a family.  i used to get sad thinking about how for the majority of this guy's first year, i won't be able to put him to bed.  but now i am so grateful for the opportunity mat will have to get so much one on one time with him.  i know that their bond is going to be so special.  ahh i can't wait!

at my next appointment, i get to take the gestational diabetes test, so here's to hoping i don't have to worry about that.  i have gained a total of 16 pounds, with the help of an unrelenting sweet tooth that i've recently developed since my appetite is back to normal.  focusing on drinking as much water as i can remember to drink.  i've developed some pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, which isn't helpful when it comes to clinic, but if my hands and fingers aren't swollen at all, i don't experience any pain - that's where the water comes in handy.  sleep has been… fun. haha i've been waking up a couple times throughout the night for awhile, but nothing too disruptive, just needing to get comfortable again.  other than that, this pregnancy has been a breeze!  i've been so blessed to have a fairly easy pregnancy, especially with the timing.  i swear (and so does my faculty and classmates) that i'm getting bigger every day, this guy is growing at a ridiculous rate! can't wait to meet him :)

last week, kacey had her second babe, little brynn elise. she is the sweetest, and rowe is such a sweet big brother, when he's actually paying attention to her haha. most of the time he's just doing his own thing. but he hasn't acted out at all, he's just his normal self.  i love seeing him and mat together.  mat is honestly going to be the best dad, i can't wait to see him and our little guy together!

as promised, here are a few favorites from our baby moon, a few weeks late in true kaelin fashion.

i think my favorite part of the trip is how relaxing it was.  we still got to see awesome places, but never had to pay for food, and still got to relax and do nothing for half the day.  the day at sea was definitely the most rejuvenating.  we hot tubbed, played cards, got room service, aaand we saw dolphins! me and my bump probably appreciated that day the most.

last week was… glorious. haha we were fortunate to be able to go on a cruise with our good friends randy and devlyn. it was the perfect baby moon! pictures will soon follow. well, maybe not so soon. its back to the daily grind, and my procrastination level is right back up where it was when we left.

babymoon 2014 from Kaelin Shaker on Vimeo.

i'm knee deep in midterms week, and there are a million other things i'd rather be doing. liiiike, shopping for our cruise! and finding maternity pants. pants over here are becoming a joke. this weekend we spent up at our friends the Gurrs' cabin, and i ate crap non-stop, which resulted in me feeling like crap non-stop, but i could not find the self control to quit! terrible cycle. so naturally, i had to wear super long shirts to hide the fact that not even my rubber band was keeping my pants together. tmi? oh well. plus the fact that i'm in scrubs all week long doesn't help, because i forget that i don't fit into my clothes anymore until the weekend comes, and this last month our weekends have been jam packed.

the cabin was amazing. it ended up raining all saturday, but i loved it. gave us an excuse to stay inside and relax next to the fire. the boys decided to still take the quads out, who knows why. it started raining after mat and brandon had been out for probably half an hour, and when they finally came back, they were both caked with mud, haha. i went out to take a picture and mat just kept saying, "i feel like i'm zero degrees!" and based on his expression in the picture, i'm guessing he couldn't feel his face. mat also bonded a lot with brandon and aimee's little guy mason. can't wait to see him with our sweet babe. unfortunately, mat is still real awkward with little girls, so he didn't play a ton with rian, but he did a liiiiittle bit :) he said that once kacey and karl have their girl, he will probably be less awkward. i know though that when we have our first girl, that boy is going to be mush. saturday night the rain turned into snow, and we woke up to a winter wonderland! thaaaat started melting pretty much ight when the sun came out haha. but we were able to enjoy it for a little bit at least. all in all, a great weekend.

school has been… crazy. i'm stressing trying to get one more patient to confirm appointments for me so that i can relax knowing that i have my requirements. i've posted on mesa consign and mesa biz, and have gotten a good amount of responses, but after i send more details, only a handful have responded back. i just need one more! i know that i'll find one and it won't be a big deal, i just don't like not having the security. on top of that, our million projects going on are driving me nuts. i'm just trying to get through midterms, then i'll be home free for a week. nothing sounds better :)

funny how i always seem to find time to blog when i should be studying… whoops. hey at least i posted pictures this time.

The other night I was on the second years side grabbing a denture brush, and one of the teachers asked me how I was feeling, then commented that I seemed much perkier than before. That made me realize how much I am loving being pregnant. Now that I'm past the nausea and loss of appetite, and now that I can feel this boy moving around, I am honestly loving it. Every time I feel a jab, to makes me smile. My favorite part of going to bed now is laying still with my hands on my belly and feeling him kick. Seriously, it's such a miracle and I have no idea how anyone could ever not want their child after carrying it for 9 months. Blows my mind.

we found out on jan 31st when my dear friend Natalie did an ultrasound for us at the school she attended. I'll save that story for a day that I have more time, but I wanted to make a point to say that I have started to feel little jabs here and there from our little booger :) I started to feel them the week after the ultrasound, but wasn't sure if that's what they were, but it's happening regular enough now that I'm sure. I can't believe that in 4.5 short months, we will have a son. Ahh!

One thing that I grew up hearing is that callings are blessings. Say what? Okay, primary was fun, but it was definitely hard to feel the spirit each week as we coloring and teaching the kids what accountability is. But! As terrified as I was when I was called to young women's, I am ten times more terrified to be released. I finally know why all these crazy people in my ward growing up kept saying that callings were blessings. Not only have I grown to love and admire these girls and women I serve, but I have grown myself. This calling has pushed me beyond my comfort level, and has also challenged me to be a better version of myself. What more could a pregnant girl want? I can only hope that my future kids will be as faithful, kind, and amazing as these girls. 

One of my favorite things that we've started doing is having the girls help us teach. They take the first 5-10 minutes or so and teach our topic, then leaders finish it off. Today, Janie chose the topic,"who am I, and who can I become?" She started by having each of us write our name down on a piece of paper, then we passed the paper around and we wrote a few nice things about each person in our class. When it all got passed around, we read what everyone said about us aloud. This is one of my favorite things to do, because it reminds me that how I view myself isn't always accurate. The kind words written about me were overwhelming and made me feel like a million bucks. Plus, I think this is an perfect exercise for girls especially, because we are all more critical of ourselves than we should be, and than is fair. We are all awesome. 

Anyways, someone wrote in mine,"is going to be a good mom," and I about died. I feel like such a hot mess in young women's with all these super moms giving awesome lessons, in their organized and inspirational glory, and knowing that someone out there (besides mat) thinks that I am going to be a good mom makes me feel adequate. It makes me feel like these girls don't see me as their crazy leader that is their friend, but that they also look up to me. Even that the other leaders see that much in me... Now that is a confidence boost. I just wanted to remember this, so that in the future, when I'm awake at 2am on Saturday night with a crying babe and a lesson to plan, I can have a reminder that I am adequate, and that others believe in me, and that I should believe in myself. 

1. book of mormon. i'm embarrassed to admit that i have never ever read the entire book of mormon. so with some inspiration from a new instagram account, i've started to read a little bit every day.

2. journaling. i haven't journaled in, i don't know how long. but at my second orientation for hygiene school, we got fancy journals to keep throughout the next two years. our program director is a big believer in self awareness, so once or twice a week, we have a 3-5 minute pause, then 3 minutes to journal. no one else will ever see this journal, so i'm going to start using it personally as well. my goal is to write a little bit every day. the next year and a half will probably be the hardest i've come across thus far, but i want to remember it. i also want to have something for my future kids to look back on, so that they can know me on a more personal level.

3. house maintenance! gosh this is the dumbest, hardest one. mat and i get in these kicks where we are AWESOME at keeping our house clean, then it slowly goes to crap. but i really, really want to have a nice clean home when we have kids. obviously, its going to get messy, since kids are messy. but i'd like to have a routine. so i found my ideal cleaning schedule on pinterest today, and you better believe i am implementing it starting on monday.

there are a buttload of projects going on over here. tonight mat installed a new door for our pantry/laundry room, and tomorrow he'll finish framing a window and our front door, and putting the finishing touches on our backsplash.  on top of that, our ridiculously talented friend brandon is going to build some built-in shelves/cabinets for us in our living room, and we're moving our desk to the front to make way for the future nursery. i am so excited for these upcoming changes. can we just fast forward time please? get me through this next semester, get this house all updated, and get this babe here! our lives are about to get flipped upside down, but i can not wait. the best part is knowing that mat is just as excited as i am, if not more. daddyhood looks good on him already.