you know what's hard? cooking dinner for your family, feeding it to your infant, and not being able to eat it yourself. i just want to eat reaaaaaaaal fooooooood.

that being said, i survived, and i didn't cave. on to day 3!

yesterday was my first day on the master cleanse. it wasn't awful! easier than i thought, at least. i didn't feel hungry until about 2:30 when bens and i were leaving tempe marketplace. the lemonade actually tastes pretty good. i'd say the worst part is definitely the salt water flush. technically, you're supposed to drink 32 oz of water with 2 tsp of salt dissolved. i had a friend warn me that it was disgusting, and that she only did like 16 oz. so i made 16 oz, and only got down about half before i couldn't take it anymore. the hardest part for me wasn't that i got hungry, but that i just wanted to eat haha. i was at my parents doing laundry all day, and when they were eating dinner, i was sipping my lemonade, and all i could think was, "gosh, that looks good," haha. even at the mall, i was feeding benson a pb&j, just tearing it into little pieces, and i'm so used to just taking a small bite of his sandwiches, and i had to remind myself not to! not huge things, but definitely made me more aware. i also didn't drink enough lemonade, even though i really never felt hungry. i don't want to mess up my metabolism by not consuming enough calories, so i'll work on that today!

i have never, ever even come close to telling myself that i could do a cleanse, but alas, my eating habits are so awful right now, that i have convinced myself that i need something extreme to reset them. i am always so concerned about making sure benson is fed, and taking advantage of the time he's restrained in his high chair to clean, get ready, or even take a sec to just lay on the couch, that half the time i skip meals, then eat whatever is in reach when i realize i'm starving. try as i might, i can't get myself to just incorporate healthier habits. i've been working out lots, but no weight loss has occurred thanks to my sporadic eating and jacked up metabolism. thanks a lot pregnancy and hygiene school!

tomorrow i start the master cleanse. yikes. i'll document every day on here, and i fully expect there to be a lot of complaining. but i can do it!

motherhood did not come easy for me.  i think i mentioned this in benson's birth story, but once mat went back to work after bens was born, i was a wreck. the thought of being this little human's sole survival tool was overwhelming.  the fact that i so desperately needed to recover myself didn't help, and, of course, hormones. that newborn stage, man. it's rough.

things obviously got better. i managed to stop stress-crying after a few days, and i was gaining strength and speed with walking so that helped. babies are so precious, but how needy they are in the beginning is exhausting at best. yes, they are the best snugglers in the world, but only because they don't have a choice. let me tell you, as soon as benson had a choice, snuggling was out of the question! haha the boy loves his space! you always love your baby, too. i know the first impression with babies is different for everyone - some girls are immediately overwhelmed with love for their munchkin, others have a hard time with connecting, and then feel guilty that they aren't instantly head over heels in love. i honestly can't say where i was when i first saw benson. all i can remember was relief that my 10+ hours of laboring with an in-and-out epidural and 7 solid hours of pushing were finally over. i remember watching mat's hands shake as he cut the umbilical cord.  i remember one of the four nurses say, "i can't wait to get this one on the scale!" i also remember my doc asking me if i wanted to see the placenta, then seeing it anyways because he was lifting it up and down, feeling out how heavy it was as he said, "i think this placenta is as big as the baby." i remember looking at our baby boy as mat held him, so swollen, so chubby, so new, and thinking, "benson. he is benson." then asking mat what he was thinking for a name, to see if we had the same epiphany, and mat saying, "i don't know, all i can think right now is sumo wrestler," haha. so whether i was instantly in love, i couldn't tell you. my, "hospital experience," wasn't dreamy, it wasn't magical, or fun, as a lot of girls say. my, "hospital experience," felt more like a regular hospital visit, unable to move at all. i had to wake up mat anytime i wanted to feed or hold benson. i had to call nurses anytime i had to go to the bathroom, or wanted to try walking. i had this vision of me taking so many pictures and videos of all of us in the hospital, and i think i got like two of mat changing benson's diaper haha. my experience was not normal, but i am stronger and better for it. if you get me talking about causes and reasons for my hardships, you'll get me riled up. i'm still angry, but everyone in our family is happy and healthy, and thats really all you can hope for at the end of the day.

anyways! my point is, my early stages of motherhood did not come easy or naturally for me. but i always, always knew that i loved our little boy. that love grew stronger the more time went on, the more interactive he got. now, benson is 15, almost 16 months. he is a walking machine. loves running in rocks. slowly mastering the playground. blows kisses. waves goodbye (every time he knows he about to go the opposite direction that we want him to, stinker). talks gibberish all day long. and, best of all, is starting to snuggle again. he loves naps and sleeping, but he takes FOREVER to fall asleep. so on occasion, i'll snuggle him long enough for him to fall asleep. he lays his head on my shoulder and just goes limp, completely relaxed. and now that i just lay him on the floor in his room for his naps, when he wakes up, he opens his door and runs straight to me, and lays on my shoulder for a minute before his head pops up and he's ready to play. and THAT has got to be the best feeling ever - knowing that this little human, who is now opinionated and strong-willed, feels completely safe and comfortable in my arms. benson doesn't just need me now, he wants me. and that is the absolute best part of being his mama.

april 16, 2015

benster boy - you did it! You've been out of the womb as long as you were in it. These nine months we have watched you learn and grow so much. You are surrounded by an insane amount of people that love you so. I've been asking you a lot lately if you even realize how loved you are. It's usually when someone else is squishing you against their chest, and you're staring at me like, "seriously? You can't do anything about this?" Haha the answer is yes, I could. But one day you'll be too strong to squish against your will, and looking even further in the future, one day you'll wish someone would squish and hold you like that again. So for the time being, I will let you be squished.

These nine months have been insane, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel guilty. You came to us at probably the busiest time our lives will (hopefully) ever see, and to be honest, I'm grateful you won't remember how often your papa and I have had to leave you for work and school. But I'm so happy with the relationship you have with your opa and lola. I graduate in 3 short weeks, and I can't imagine accomplishing that without you with me! One of the reasons I chose dental hygiene is because of its flexibility; it's the perfect mom job. But you gave me a whole new level of motivation. I want to work hard, to provide, and to be an example to you, so that you can be an example to all of your future little siblings. You are the reason your pops and I work so hard. Your little smiling face give us all the motivation we need to be successful. You have our heart, little man.

You have been crawling up a storm these last couple months, but you're still pretty apprehensive about balancing on your own two feet. Give yourself a chance, and I know you'll be walking in no time. Just try and wait until I'm graduated and we're back together with dad so he doesn't miss it.

My favorite thing you do these days is when you see me, you crawl to me until the top of your head touches my leg, then you look up with one hand reaching up for my leg, and pull yourself to your feet. Then you keep looking up at me until I pick you up. I love that even though you can't say so, you know that I'm your mama and you love me.

I'm sorry for all the days I've missed out on with you, but school is almost over and I promise I'll be with you all day, every day, all summer. Your amazing dad is working so hard to provide for our family and is giving me the opportunity to stay home with you.  I love you so much, little man. Keep growing and learning! I can't wait to see what's in store.

i came across an article today on Facebook about a 19 year old girl who was, "quitting social media." she was "internet famous," and had over 600k followers on her instagram, and more on her tumblr and youtube. i read the article, browsed her instagram, and watched the video she made explaining her choice. the basic gist of it was that since she was 12, she put her value in how many followers, likes, and comments she had. she began making money off of her social media presence through product and brand promotion. she spent hours a day trying to get the perfect selfie or instal-worthy picture to post, then spent more hours editing her pictures before posting them. she eventually realized that regardless of how many likes, followers, or comments she was getting, it was never enough. and, despite all of the outside approval, she was still insanely insecure and lonely. so, she decided to turn her efforts to warning people of the fakeness of social media "celebrities". go her. i think its insanely brave of her to make herself and her insecurities so vulnerable and to start from square one, to try for a more normal, less showy, life.

i've always thought social media was dangerous. i know that from a young age, i started comparing myself to others. i remember being at dance when i was 7 or 8 and wishing that i could dance like other girls, envying the friendships they had, wanting to be as skinny as them. as i got older and social media became more prevalent, i began comparing myself to people i didn't even know. i have always, always been insecure about my appearance and my relationships. so much so, that it kept me from really cultivating any relationships for myself. i was always on the outside watching, instead of jumping in and being part of things. i waited for people to invite me to be part of something instead of just going and being part of it. i eventually outgrew that, but not until a year after i graduated high school.  i think having a fresh start in college with people that didn't know me before helped. although i am still insecure, my insecurities are no longer crippling, thank goodness. i hope that i do a good job in teaching my children to not let their insecurities control them.

it's been interesting to me to see how social media changes as i've gotten older and entered different stages of life. as a single college student, instagram wasn't around yet and Facebook wasn't as threatening. after i got married, i got more into blogs and instagram. i started following bloggers who seemingly had perfect lives - the perfect body, perfect husband, perfect house, perfect kids.  i remembering telling mat about a post i had read about how this stranger posted on their blog about how sweet and helpful their husband was, and saying things like, "you never do that," or "i wish our marriage was more fun like theirs." he would obviously get offended, and rightfully so, because who wants to be compared to anyone? luckily that phase didn't last long, but i did have to unfollow some people for awhile so that i'd stop comparing myself.

a few years into our marriage, and when i was pregnant with benson, i decided to finally clean up our junk room and get it ready for benson to arrive. i posted a picture on instagram of it before i started, and the caption said something like, "the most embarrassing room in our house is about to get owned." i obviously didn't think much of it, but one of the young women in my ward commented, saying, "thank you for showing me that young married couples aren't as perfect as they seem on insta." and i remember thinking, whaaaaaaat? haha. first, that told me that she saw me and mat as one of those, "perfect young married couples," that had such perfect lives based on our social media, and second, i am glad that that was the effect that this simple picture of a messy room had.  i'll admit that i post mostly happy things on my instagram, but who doesn't? it never occurred to me that what i was posting could be affecting how the youth perceive marriage to be. i'll be the first to say that it's amazing, fun, one of the best decisions of my life, but it ain't all roses. ever. for moments in time, maybe for a long while, it's roses, but it's equal parts ugly and difficult.

i happened to come across this article today as well, and i thought it was so perfect. i want to remember it for times that get tough, or maybe for advice for my kids when they some day get married. the gist of this article is that love, and marriage, is a choice. i obviously know that there are reasons for divorce that are valid and that can't be compromised, but i also know that so many people get divorced for lack of trying from one or both parts. i know that i didn't just happen upon mat - i chose him, and he chose me. we chose to marry each other, and each day we choose to stay together, to make each other happy, to work through fights, whether petty or big. we choose to love each other, and we will continue to choose each other, whether the seas are rough or its smooth sailing.

i am so grateful for mat in my life, and for the example he is to benson. i know i'm not perfect, and i still am very insecure, but knowing that mat chose me and continues to choose me every day helps. it is okay to be picky with who you fall in love with, but don't be too picky. no one is perfect - it's all about what you make of it.