motherhood did not come easy for me.  i think i mentioned this in benson's birth story, but once mat went back to work after bens was born, i was a wreck. the thought of being this little human's sole survival tool was overwhelming.  the fact that i so desperately needed to recover myself didn't help, and, of course, hormones. that newborn stage, man. it's rough.

things obviously got better. i managed to stop stress-crying after a few days, and i was gaining strength and speed with walking so that helped. babies are so precious, but how needy they are in the beginning is exhausting at best. yes, they are the best snugglers in the world, but only because they don't have a choice. let me tell you, as soon as benson had a choice, snuggling was out of the question! haha the boy loves his space! you always love your baby, too. i know the first impression with babies is different for everyone - some girls are immediately overwhelmed with love for their munchkin, others have a hard time with connecting, and then feel guilty that they aren't instantly head over heels in love. i honestly can't say where i was when i first saw benson. all i can remember was relief that my 10+ hours of laboring with an in-and-out epidural and 7 solid hours of pushing were finally over. i remember watching mat's hands shake as he cut the umbilical cord.  i remember one of the four nurses say, "i can't wait to get this one on the scale!" i also remember my doc asking me if i wanted to see the placenta, then seeing it anyways because he was lifting it up and down, feeling out how heavy it was as he said, "i think this placenta is as big as the baby." i remember looking at our baby boy as mat held him, so swollen, so chubby, so new, and thinking, "benson. he is benson." then asking mat what he was thinking for a name, to see if we had the same epiphany, and mat saying, "i don't know, all i can think right now is sumo wrestler," haha. so whether i was instantly in love, i couldn't tell you. my, "hospital experience," wasn't dreamy, it wasn't magical, or fun, as a lot of girls say. my, "hospital experience," felt more like a regular hospital visit, unable to move at all. i had to wake up mat anytime i wanted to feed or hold benson. i had to call nurses anytime i had to go to the bathroom, or wanted to try walking. i had this vision of me taking so many pictures and videos of all of us in the hospital, and i think i got like two of mat changing benson's diaper haha. my experience was not normal, but i am stronger and better for it. if you get me talking about causes and reasons for my hardships, you'll get me riled up. i'm still angry, but everyone in our family is happy and healthy, and thats really all you can hope for at the end of the day.

anyways! my point is, my early stages of motherhood did not come easy or naturally for me. but i always, always knew that i loved our little boy. that love grew stronger the more time went on, the more interactive he got. now, benson is 15, almost 16 months. he is a walking machine. loves running in rocks. slowly mastering the playground. blows kisses. waves goodbye (every time he knows he about to go the opposite direction that we want him to, stinker). talks gibberish all day long. and, best of all, is starting to snuggle again. he loves naps and sleeping, but he takes FOREVER to fall asleep. so on occasion, i'll snuggle him long enough for him to fall asleep. he lays his head on my shoulder and just goes limp, completely relaxed. and now that i just lay him on the floor in his room for his naps, when he wakes up, he opens his door and runs straight to me, and lays on my shoulder for a minute before his head pops up and he's ready to play. and THAT has got to be the best feeling ever - knowing that this little human, who is now opinionated and strong-willed, feels completely safe and comfortable in my arms. benson doesn't just need me now, he wants me. and that is the absolute best part of being his mama.